—–To the ones who no longer reside on these grounds…. this is for YOU—-
Today the only way I can imagine you happy is smiling up in heaven while you are still in the hearts of your loved ones, still struck with the memory of the moment you left.
I still wish you were here with us to walk this path, but you made your decision to leave alone, leaving us only the memories we cherish. I’m not gonna hesitate to admit that there isn’t a day that goes by that I feel your absence beside me or how you used to just live your life. YES! I still can’t believe you are gone.
There are times I sit by the couch, look outside the window and think to myself, “Did I fail to respond to your helplessness or did I fail to understand your attempts to let me know you were going to leave? Or maybe you thought I’d never understand your feelings and brush them away.” I can’t seem to come to a conclusion.
Or did you really reach someone who isn’t me, yet got no closure to your agony?
Before your passing that morning, I remember talking with you the evening before, but you seemed fine except that one fact you asked me if I’d ever miss you and you told me not to be afraid if you didn’t contact me for a long time. I remember I replied, “I love you, be safe.”
And who would ever think that this would be our last text? Now your name will no longer appear on my call log.
I wonder how you felt that night with the cold winds passing by… how lonely you must have felt without anyone by your side, still lost in thoughts, battling with your demons. Wondering if this was the right decision. Wondering if anyone would ever cry for you, asking you to return? Will you be able to return like those fantasies?
I wonder if you hoped someone would bang open the door and come save you as you kept cutting your skin like it’s your canvas? I knew you loved to draw, but darling, not in that way. It broke me into pieces to see you had done that.
You left no note other than the fact you said you’d leave us one day, but not this soon.
Were you regretting that you didn’t write us a note that told us everything that was on your mind while lying there crying, the ground receiving your tears while your heart was still beating? Did you ever think that the next day the sun would rise, and it would miss your smile?
How lonely must have you have felt in a world of billions?
What were you thinking while you took your last breath? How much pain your heart held that cold night will only be known by the passing winds, I know.
By Zion Anisius
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